Survivor's Dictionary
by A Lonely God
Summary: Survivor; [n.], a person or thing that survives, often in spite of hardships. Inspired by David Levithan's 'The Lover's Dictionary'.
1. Abandon

**Abandon; [v.], to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert.**

He gets one last look over his shoulder at her before he leaves forever. It's brief, and he realizes that she isn't even looking at him, and that's what kills him the most. It's not the look on her face as she stares blankly ahead, facing certain death, and it's not the way she clasps her gun between white knuckled hands. What kills him is the fact that he is looking at her for almost the last time, and her eyes meet the wall, unseeing, unfeeling, and unaware that he wants nothing more than to save her.

And then it's over as quickly as it began. His head snaps back to where it should be, and he knows nothing except the way his feet hit the pavement, step after step, and the twists and turns of the girl in front of him as she looks for a place to go. The gunshots pop like fireworks, cracking and snapping and echoing off the high ceilings. There are two sets of stairs, and he runs up them without thinking, without realizing that when he gets to the top, he will be on the very edge of falling apart. In front of him, the girl gasps. He hears something that sounds akin to 'oh my god', but the words are coming at him as if he is underwater, seeing and hearing everything through a thin, clear film.

Her body is in the middle of the floor, sprawled and silent, still warm. The blood pools underneath of her like paint staining canvas, artistic in the way it gets into the boots of the soldiers and leaves red footprints behind. He can trace those prints back to her, in scattered lines as if they were a map leading him back to her, and suddenly he surfaces. His sight and hearing become clear once more, and there's a moment where he wants to linger, to stick around and look at her from so high above. The little girl in front of him moves then, and he kick-starts himself back into action, crouching and moving along the banister as though nothing has happened. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see her, and he wants to believe that she will move, get up and run up the stairs to meet him and that everything will go back to normal. But she doesn't, and he keeps going, bombarded by the guilt that he is abandoning her, leaving her there to rot.

The soldier's voices are closer now, and he steps behind a wall that cuts him off from the balcony forever. The girl is ahead of him, bearing no weapons and looking for answers. He skitters across and joins her by a table. He listens to the sounds of the footsteps closing in, hoping that he will join her down below.

* * *

**[an] Loosely inspired by David Levithan's 'The Lover's Dictionary', which attempts to explain the concept of love with words from the dictionary. I won't attempt to explain anything, but I will select a few words from each letter to expand upon! Will probably update frequently. Reviews are welcome! **

**Cheers! [an]**


	2. Accident

**Accident; [n.], an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss.**

Tess was right. He knew in the bottom of his heart, in the back of his mind that she always was going to be right. She had said the words before she died, and he had committed them to memory. _Our luck had to run out sooner or later_. Tess had been the first to run out of luck. And he was the second.

The girl was asleep on the ground, curled around her backpack as if it were a pillow. She didn't know, and he wasn't entirely sure how he was going to tell her. She had been too good to him, become too much to him, and now there was no way to explain the situation to her without breaking her heart. He closed his eyes. The tree he was leaning up against was rough and uncomfortable, but it was a link to nature, a way for his body to once again be as it had been before the world had gone to shit.

It was an accident. It was nobody's fault. His luck had simply run out.

He looked down at the bite on his leg and covered it with his hand. _Sooner or later_.


	3. Accuse

**Accuse; [v.], to find fault with; blame.**

"Admit that you wanted to get rid of me the whole time!"

He's pissed off, but the words hit him like daggers. There's nothing that prepares him for that kind of accusation, and he can't help but feel hurt because of it. He crosses his arms over his chest and watches her through narrowed eyes. Unsure of what to say, he lets loose the first thing that comes to mind; an _excuse_.

"Tommy knows this area better than— "

"Ah, fuck that!"

She turns her back to him and faces the wall. He imagines that she's looking out the window from the corner of her eye, trying to figure out why she's so hurt. Tommy's footsteps are downstairs, creaking around on old hardwood floor. He tries again, the same excuse with different words. _Please believe me_.

"Well, I'm sorry, I trust him better than I trust myself."

It isn't a lie. There are times when they're walking across the country together, tired and hungry, that he isn't sure whether or not he can trust himself. But out there, he has no one else to turn to. He can't pawn things off onto Tommy. All he can do is his best.

"Stop with the bullshit! What are you so afraid of?" _I'm afraid of you, "_That I'm gonna end up like Sam? _I can't get infected_. I can take care of myself."

He has never wanted to scream so loudly in his life, to throw a temper tantrum and say that _no_, she cannot look after herself, and that she needs someone there to keep her safe, to help her get over water and get boosted up onto things that are out of her reach. He wants to say _'you need me, but I'm scared'_, because the last time someone needed him, he failed.

The accusation still pains him like knives still stuck in wounds. _You wanted to get rid of me the whole time_. He wants to crouch down beside her and assure her of the opposite. He wants to be kind. And instead, he reacts with anger.

"_How many close calls have we had?!"_


	4. Adapt

**Adapt; [v.], to adjust oneself to different conditions, environments, etc. **

He doesn't notice it at first, mostly because every day starts off as a constant reminder. There's nothing much to distract him, other than the sounds of his own feet as he moves to where the soldiers order him, and Tommy's nervous chattering as they sit through endless inspections by triage nurses. By the time they settle down in their first quarantine zone, Joel isn't sure how much more he can take. The ache in his chest is like a shrapnel wound, tearing and tearing and leaving nothing behind but a bloody, shredded hole.

He finds Tess bleeding on the pavement, hidden in an alcove on the outside, he realizes he feels it less. This time, it comes as a strange sort of nostalgia, a burning in his lungs that feels like nothing more than a memory. Joel tries to help her up, despite her swears and protests and the bruises she gives him, and while he helps her clean and wrap her wounds, he knows she will stay with him. He notices, then, that the longer Tess is with him, the less he feels the burning in his lungs or those gashes inside himself that feel like broken glass.

He wakes up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. The moon is high in the sky, and the girl beside him is curled in a ball under her plaid, flannel jacket. Ellie has been with him for two and a half years, following on his trek across the continent; _surviving._ Around them, there is eerie quiet, nothing but the sounds of the gentle breeze and their own breathing. Joel looks around, and that's when he knows. He has not felt the pain in months. He doesn't remember the way the assault rifle sounded, or the way he spun and tumbled down the hill, or the fear that flooded through him when that flashlight shone in his eyes. _He can't even remember her face._


	5. Admire

**Admire; [v.], to regard with wonder or surprise.**

It's the look on her face when Ellie pushes open the doors that gets her. Riley watches the lights from the carousel dance across her cheeks, bright, brilliant splashes of gold and red color. It's a rickety piece of machinery, rusted and creaking, infested by all manner of wildlife. Ellie takes a step towards it, the wonder in her eyes melting down into a smile.

"Are you kidding?"

Riley doesn't hear her at first. She's been staring at Ellie for a couple minutes at the most, following her eyes and the way they rove over the carousel. She inhales sharply and closes her eyes, snapping out of her trance. There are no words for her to respond with. Riley wants to be kind; she wants this to make up for the Fireflies, to make up for the fact that she is leaving today and that this is the end of everything.

"Told ya."

_Dammit_.

They start off towards the carousel together, and when Ellie climbs on, Riley considers joining her. She watches Ellie perched on the metal horse, clutching the pole, and she knows that she can't bring herself to move from where she's standing. Riley hits the large button on the switchboard, and the carousel begins to move.

"Riley, come here!"

The carousel picks up speed, twirling in lazy circles. Underneath Ellie's weight, the horse groans in protests, just like the rest of the machine. The base squeaks as it rattles along the tracks, and the frame shakes, like the sounds of a monster wondering why it has been awakened.

"No, you got this. Go!"

Riley watches Ellie spin around, her eyes flitting between the lights of the carousel and the ancient vines that wrap around the ride gates and crawl towards her. Ellie is laughing and grinning, acting like a child who has just been on their first rollercoaster. Her eyes are full of wonder, and behind it, a little spark. Riley's heart aches. There has always been a little fire in Ellie's eyes.

The carousel spins around a second time, and as Ellie swings by her again, Riley lets herself smile. Ellie grins and gestures to her. This time, Riley hops on behind her, savouring what she can.


End file.
